LONG POST-MONDO BITCHIN’-SPARKS FOR CITY COUNCIL??? I think I may have to run so that I can lick San Marcos into shape. I’m tired of all the bitching so my goal is to make San Marcos: THE BITCHINEST CITY IN THE WORLD!!! I’ll run on the Farce Party ticket. As a local celebrity I can probably tap into the energy of those that feel like we don’t have enough bitchin’ vodeo do represented at the local level. Did I say local celebrity…I meant nuisance. My first priority will be to ensure that the swinger contingent has a voice in city policy. I will work to make sure that ALL bed and breakfasts have to be clothing optional. I’ll work to make drinking hours from 3:00 pm to 2:30 pm the next day with a mandatory 30 minute cocaine break (all drugs will be legal and anyone who stays sober too much and isn’t bitchin’ will be eyed with suspicion unless they have a darn good excuse) from 2:30-3:00 pm every 24 hours. Every store that does not have live music or discounts on 4 Loko will have to pay a hefty fine. All cops and frat boys will have to wear beanies with propellers on top (non-negotiable since citizens will need a way to recognize those who inherently are not bitchin’). I will work to make sure there is more pornography available at the library and all city business conducted after 5:00 pm must be done in the nude. All developers(and contractors and employees of such) will be required to perform scenes from Gilbert and Sullivan’s Pirate’s of Penzance upon the request of any citizen at any time-if they’re going to cheapen our local culture they must also enrich it. All new apartments that go up must have a Lord of the Rings theme (complete with hobbit style round doors and free second breakfasts for all locals) and its tennants must act, dress, and speak accordingly. The name of San Marcos will be changed to Captain Sweaty’s Rockin Funland-The Bitchinest City in the World!!! Anyone caught being uptight will be forced to dress like Dr. Spock and march in the “Just for our Ironic Amusement” parade. Cultural appropriation will be declared a “red-herring” in the social justice war and a statue of Freddie Mercury (with long hair) wearing a kimono will be erected next to the statue of Jack C. Hays. All streets named after notable Texas politicians will be named after Johnny Depp and assorted characters he has played and all local schools will be named after all the members (past and present) of Fleetwood Mac. The school song of SMHS will be changed from “Hail to the Ol SM High School” to “Panama” by Van Halen. For every day an Indian restaurant (a bitchin’ one) is not open in town, prostitution will be legal and paid for by local churches. From headwaters down to Rio Vista will be a skinny dipping only zone. All advertising, sloganeering, official proclomation, or marketing in town must be in the form of (or somehow contain) an Oscar Wilde quote. Anybody or business new to San Marcos will have to demonstrate that they are indeed bitchin’ by either playing a bitchin’ guitar solo, getting a tatoo of an Oscar Wilde quote on their back, or surprising us with something bitchin’. And finally, anyone caught not rockin’ out and partying balls or doing something otherwise bitchin’ after 6:00 pm will have to endure trial by fire ant. This is all just for starters. I’ll have more as I consider everything that is wrong with this town. I think we can make San Marcos the BITCHINEST CITY OF THE WORLD…who’s with me?!?!
SPARKS FOR CITY COUNCIL???
Posted in: Rants