I Made My Fantasy a Reality and Brought My Fake Self-Help Book to Life – Hastily Written Hokum to Cleanse the Soul By Seamus O'Sparks on April 28, 2017 — 11 mins read HOW TO SCORE WITH BABES WHEN YOU’RE REPULSIVE Most people are repulsive. Though natural selection tries to propel us towards mates that have at least some qualities that are beneficial to the species, like physical attraction, repulsiveness seems to win out at the genetic level. Repulsiveness, as a construct, can mean different things. Because life... More
EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH SANTA CLAUS By Seamus O'Sparks on December 21, 2015 — 2 mins read EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH SANTA CLAUS (LONG POST WARNING) SEAMUS: Hi Santa, thanks for being here. It really is an honor to meet you. SANTA: Thank you (coughs). Thanks. SEAMUS: So, there are so many things people would like to know. I think I’ll start by asking, why have you taken such a long leave of... More
On this day, in 1587, Virginia Dare was born By Seamus O'Sparks on August 18, 2015 — 1 min read On this day, in 1587, Virginia Dare was born. On this day, in 1590, Virginia Dare disappeared (officially). What happened to her? No one really knows. Could it be that she was eaten by wild pigs or cannibal brutes? Perhaps she went out to Hollywood and, after years of shameful hustle, ended up ruining Fatty... More
I could use some help By Seamus O'Sparks on October 18, 2014 — 1 min read I could use some help. I’ve been having this recurring dream where James Caan is trying to ruin me. In these dreams he makes plans to ruin my band, ruin my personal life, ruin everything. How can I fix this? I don’t know why, but James Caan really has it in for me. Who am... More
OH MY GOD!!!! I just got a call from a guy in HOLLYWOOD!!! By Seamus O'Sparks on January 11, 2014 — 1 min read OH MY GOD!!!! I just got a call from a guy in HOLLYWOOD!!! He wants to turn my play, “Belching Hamlet” into a major motion picture!!! This is cray y’all. It’s a great play though. Imagine Hamlet if the main character had a problem with gas. You know, “To be, blarp, or not to be?... More
So I went to the arcade last night and guess what? By Seamus O'Sparks on December 10, 2013 — 1 min read So I went to the arcade last night and guess what? A Pac-Man followed me home. He ate all my fruit and chewed up pretty much everything I own. Then he tried to chew up me. The dink. I ended up chasing him around with a fly swatter and a can of bug spray for... More
Tomorrow night we play at The Red Eyed Fly in Austin By Seamus O'Sparks on July 26, 2012 — 1 min read Tomorrow night we play at The Red Eyed Fly in Austin. We had a band meeting last night. It went well. Very well. We decided that Merry and Pippin were not orcs. We decided that Superman and Robin Hood were still alive in Hollywood. We decided that we had it all, just like Bogey and... More