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By Seamus O'Sparks on December 21, 2015 — 2 mins read

SEAMUS: Hi Santa, thanks for being here. It really is an honor to meet you.
SANTA: Thank you (coughs). Thanks.
SEAMUS: So, there are so many things people would like to know. I think I’ll start by asking, why have you taken such a long leave of absence?
SANTA: Well, I was getting a little burned out by the late 1930s and when World War II broke out the number of names on the naughty list shot through the roof. Plus, trying to deliver good cheer during a world war is a bitch on the nerves. So, in the 1950s, when I became a target for anti-communist hysteria I just said, “To hell with all of this.”
SEAMUS: Why did people think you were a commie?
SANTA: Well, you know, the giving away of things, the red suit, my anti-war stance, and my workshop’s proximity to the then Soviet Union.
SEAMUS: Why do you think these accusations were manufactured?
SANTA: Because it was a way for the toy industry to drive me out of business. When the capitalists realized exactly how much money they could make on Christmas, they knew that I needed to be out of the picture. So, having learned a thing or two from the Nazis on how to demonize people, they conspired with certain parts of the U.S. government to whip up this Red Scare/Red Menace. It worked. By ’55 I was out.
SEAMUS: What did you do after leaving your career?
SANTA: I wandered a lot. I hit the bottle pretty hard and got abusive to the elves and the reindeer. Even Mrs. Claus took a couple of pops to the chop. I spiraled out of control. At some point I realized that I needed to find myself. I went on my own personal walk about. Sometime in the late 1960s I had settled in with a commune and took on the name, Wavy Gravy. It was me, you know, who helped feed all those people at Woodstock.
SEAMUS: Wow! So you, Santa, became Wavy Gravy? It makes sense.
SANTA: Yeah, well all the walking I did got me into better shape (for a while) and after getting cosmic I came to realize that I could spread goodwill and cheer without all the holiday hoopla.
SEAMUS: Did you like Woodstock?
SANTA: Are you kidding? Thousands of naked chicks running around to the blistering sounds of Santana? Hell yeah I liked it. Let’s just say it was good for my North Pole. It was what I had always wanted Christmas to be.
SEAMUS: Now I have to ask, do you celebrate Christmas?
SANTA: No, I’m Jewish.
SEAMUS You heard it here folks. Any desire to get back in the game?
SANTA: Nah-I’ve turned the workshop into a naked meditation retreat. Most of the elves left for Hollywood. Poachers took out all the reindeer and Mrs. Claus turned into a real square so I had to ditch her to make room for my new old lady. She digs who I am. But, you know, these days are so tight assed that most people couldn’t handle me. They never could.
SEAMUS: Why is that?
SANTA: Because I’m too real.

Posted in: Christmas

The Story of Seamus

Seamus O'Sparks is the seventh son of a Seventh Day Adventist who went on a seven-day bender starting on July 7, 1977 at a strip club called Seventh Heaven at the corner of 7th St. and 7th Ave. in the West Village.