I set up a new printer today. The process just about finished the both of us off. I’m something of a luddite-this is important for later…and now. I bought, or tried to, the least fancy most basic printer available. I told the guy at the printer store, “Let’s pretend like I’m just some dilettante alcoholic who only wants to print his poetry and the occasional nude photo of Patti Lupone. I don’t need any capabilities beyond these. No copying, no scanning-I don’t need to print something from my phone while rubbing one out. Nuts and bolts, guy, nuts and bolts.”
And pretend we did. I walked out with an HP ALL IN ONE SUPERMACHINE…
I’m setting this asshole printer up. I need to program it: date, time, phobias…I do so. I don’t care if my printer has the time or date on it. I have clocks and calendars doing a hell of a job. I download the software so my printer and computer can connect. I register my printer giving HP my name and email and vital statistics. They need this so that we can be pals and their machine will work. My printer wants to be wireless. I want it wired in. I stick the USB cable in the right holes. There is a problem with the connectivity. I tear through the manual.
The manual is written by a hawk faced wizard, high on life, who doesn’t speak jerk ass. I only speak jerk ass. I infer that I must go into the “settings” to tell the machinery that I don’t want it to be wireless. I can’t figure out how to access “settings.” I am dumb. The download process is stuck like Chuck. I am prompted to call technical support. I get frustrated and start hitting the printer. I hit it with my whole body. The top comes up and the machinery moves around. I am naked at the time-listening to Steely Dan(see dilettante). My penis gets stuck in the printer (feels like the ink cartridges). Now I relent and call technical support.
“How can I help you?” “My pecker is bueried inside your God Damned printer.” “I don’t understand.” “Put your hands between your legs (it was a man) and squeeze. Now imagine your hand is an HP All-in-One Office Pro 6960 Model. “Huh?” “Your machine is eating my dick!” He tells me to turn the printer off. It worked and I was freed, but definitely not a satisfied customer. My poor penis. He asked if I needed help with anything else. I said, “Fat Furious Christ I do.” I told him that I wanted the machine plugged into my computer-none of this fruity wireless bullshit. We walked through too many steps-Nothing worked. I got angrier. He had no answers for me. I dug into him: “How do you bastards sleep at night? All I want in this stupid life is to own a printer that prints…Why can’t I just plug the sum’bitch in and go? When did our machinery insist on knowing everything about us? It’s this kind of over complicated monkey fucking that will have us hiding in the hills and eating bugs by the year 2025. The day is coming when we won’t be able to crap in our toilets without going through some kind of useless hyperlinked information age shit storm hustle. When will it end, man? Tech support has the whole world by the balls. GIVE ME MY BALLS BACK….figuratively this time…please and thank you.” He sat silent. Then he suggested that, if I had one, I should try another USB cable. I cursed and tore open the package to a new cable. I plugged it in. Everything moved along real smooth from there.
I cleared my throat. In a sheepish voice I told him, “Oh…I guess it was just a bad cable.”
He said, “Thank you for calling tech support. Please call again if you have any more questions.”
I told him, “It looks like the printer is good to go. But if my penis gives me any trouble, YOU’LL BE THE FIRST TO KNOW.” click….