Over the last few weeks I have had all manner of people who I seem to have no connection with send me friend requests here on FB. They all have very few friends and scant information about themselves on their profile. In an effort to better understand the score I wrote one of these folks a message:
“Hi Randy,
Thanks for the friend request. In these cacophonous times it’s always nice to see people reaching out in a gentle way. I’m curious about some things, though, and I was wondering if you could help set me straight.
In the last few weeks I have had a preponderance of people (all of whom I do not know or have even the vaguest connection with) send me friend requests. Far be it from me to suspect something sinister in this. It does, however, pique my curiosity. Can you explain this sudden windfall of undiscovered friends seeking me out here in the ether? I’d be delighted if you illuminated this for me. Maybe that video of me eating seven pumpkins whole has, unbeknownst to me, gone viral? Am I some kind of internet celebrity in Guam?
Or, perhaps, I look like easy pickins. If, by the most remote of chances, this is a hustle-and I hate to implicate anybody in anything as trivial and crude as hustling- but you know, times being what they are-then I am afraid I will be a lousy “mark.” The last person who tried to flim-flam me was put through a humiliating ordeal. They ended up posing in a series of bizarre photos wearing all manner of tacky attire and holding signs proclaiming their love for me. Then I appealed to them to ease my mind as I prepared to meet death courtesy of a rare bowel disease. I spoke to them at length about Jesus, Randy. I also had them try and fax me a cat. I don’t think the cat made it, Randy. I do think I shook this person up pretty bad. They were overcome with remorse and possibly suicidal at having tried to scam a dying invalid dwarf(me) out of money during the last days of his life. It was a bad scene and they never got the $4,000.00 American dollars they needed to get home from Nigeria.
Sometimes I’m a real stinker, Randy. But, if this is a con, no hard feelings or anything. I understand that we’re all crapping in and eating from the same trough. And if this is not a scam-if providence or pumpkin eating or an unchecked libido brought you here-then I apologize for the insinuation. So, Randy, I would love it if you could lay your story on me. You seem nice enough.
Much love,
Seamus”