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First Draft of the Declaration of Independence! | Seamus O'Sparks

First Draft of the Declaration of Independence!

By Seamus O'Sparks on July 2, 2013 — 1 min read

Here’s an amazing new historical discovery-Sheldon Sneed-Associate Professor of Human Studies at the University of Boomerton unearthed a rare first draft of the Declaration of Independence. Here it is, uncensored for the first time:

Dear George,

You treacherous little fruitbat! You have no idea what kind of a shitstorm you and your pals have unleashed on yourselves. Didn’t any of your handlers bother to tell you that we’re balls deep in The Enlightenment? Yeah, man. So if I were you, or any of your kind, I’d be looking for a new job…and a new name. Because the name, “Hannover” is going to stink for many centuries to come. I know, George, that you can’t help being ignorant about a great many things. For this, George, I actually feel sorry for you. You can’t help it that you were born a neurotic geek with only one working testicle and thanatocephally. So, George, you have my sympathy for being dealt a lousy hand. But, let me assure you, sympathy aside, George, that this is most definitely how it is going down: It’s over between you and us. And you can open that gaping gash you call a mouth and boo-who and bark and moan all you want. But in the end, George, you have only yourself to blame. Because, you, my friend, have underestimated us. Yes sir. And you can underestimate a great many things in this world: plagues, wild beasts, the devil…but never-ever-underestimate an American. We HATE taxes, George. We hate ’em! All taxes. We may not know the difference between thumb tacks and flat tax, but by gum, George, we get killin’ mad if anybody tries to make us swallow either. You see, we’re neurotic too, George. And I bet you between Mars and Martyrdom that our kinda’ crazy can out crazy anything you cats from the “Old World” can dish out. And if you wish to test this concept further you’re going to wish you were born an eel. Because, George, I will personally pay you a visit and by the time I get done working out on you it’s going to be difficult to tell where his highness begins and the chamber pot ends.
You dig, George?

Good…real good.

T.J. et.al.

Posted in: History, Letters

The Story of Seamus

Seamus O'Sparks is the seventh son of a Seventh Day Adventist who went on a seven-day bender starting on July 7, 1977 at a strip club called Seventh Heaven at the corner of 7th St. and 7th Ave. in the West Village.