Question About Wal*Mart….

By Seamus O'Sparks on April 19, 2017 — 1 min read

I had a terrible stink on me yesterday. At first it was tolerable-I’d say a level 2 stink. But then I went to Walgreens and holy balls. I had stink on my stink. Here’s the weird part: it seemed to be a situational stink.

Outside of Walgreens, it was a natural stink…a nice stink even. When I went back to the pharmacy and started talking to the pretty, freckled, strawberry blonde girl working the counter it was a raging funk. Like onions fried in ass. The girl smiled at me. I was more stink than personality. When I left the pharmacy area the stink reduced. I wondered about the cute girl. Was it her that stunk?

I went to the front to buy cigarettes and candy. The attractive woman working the register smiled. My stink status went to def con STANK. It smelled like a hobo stink boiled in even worse hobo stink. I couldn’t be nice to the woman. She batted her eyes at me. She was forgiving of my stink and I hated her for it.

I went outside and my stink was back in its cage. Then a busty lady with green eyes and deadly curves walked up. My stink grew wings. It smelled like my ass was a broken sewer line. The woman grinned. Her boobs juggled in the halter top she was wearing. I looked and she wanted me to. She stopped to get her wallet out of her purse. Then she turned to me and asked, “What’s that smell?” I said, “I think it’s me, m’am.” She looked at me and frowned. Now I could never love her.

I walked home. I called my therapist and she told me to shut up. I wept and thought of all the good things I would miss out on because of my stink. I called Jeff Goldblum and he told me to shut up. Now, as I write this, I am more stink than man…not much time…soon I will be…Oh, and does anyone know if Wal*Mart sells a good, cheap perfume? Asking for a friend (not Jeff Goldblum).

Posted in: Random

The Story of Seamus

Seamus O'Sparks is the seventh son of a Seventh Day Adventist who went on a seven-day bender starting on July 7, 1977 at a strip club called Seventh Heaven at the corner of 7th St. and 7th Ave. in the West Village.