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Don’t bother reading this crap…it’s Saturday and I’m drunk | Seamus O'Sparks

Don’t bother reading this crap…it’s Saturday and I’m drunk

By Seamus O'Sparks on October 5, 2013 — 1 min read

Don’t bother reading this crap…it’s Saturday and I’m drunk…SO, I know we’ve been relentlessly hawking our CDs (the new ones that will be available so soon that are so neat) here on FB. And, I think it’s time we take a break from the band/fan dynamic and have a “friend” moment. Friends, let me tell you: Whenever I need a reliable pencil I go see my friend Denzel (pronounced Din-Zull not Din-zell btw) ahem, my friend Denzel at DENZEL’S PENCILS where their motto is “There’s only one pencil for the hand that’s prehensile.” He has pencils for every occasion, style, and finger length. After I have my pencils I just shoot across town to pick up some stencils at DENZEL’S STENCILS. Their motto is, “Stencils are what we do best!” Or, I can easily wait five working days for the stencils to get shipped from Denzel’s Stencils to Denzel’s Pencils. So, next time you need a pencil or a stencil or some meth go see my friend Denzel! Denzel is no weasel. And on weekends, when you’re with the one you love, go see my friend Enis(Pronounced EEE-Nuss not IN-Is). He has a place called Enis’s Pinnaces. Take some time to sail Old World Style on one of Enis’s Pinnaces. You and your lover can discover your inner Sir Francis Drake out on the lake. No galleon can be safe from the ravages of one of Enis’s reliable Pinnaces. Enis is not responsible for legal penalties incurred while privateering. AND, if you’re horny go see my friend Barney. His motto is, “I’m Barney and I’m always horny.” Barney is a terrible person and he has no luck in trying to score with babes, bros, and whoever else gets stuck in his crosshairs. Next to Barney you’ll seem like a real Tom Wopat and all your lovin’ needs will be a breeze to fulfill! And if you need someone to, “have an accident” go back to see my friend Denzel and Denzel’s Pencils. Only when you go there ask for Gunzel…tell him you need a “left handed” pencil. The Latin root for sinister means “left-Handed.” I’m going to be hanging out with my friend Barney tonight if anybody “needs” me. <3

Posted in: Random

The Story of Seamus

Seamus O'Sparks is the seventh son of a Seventh Day Adventist who went on a seven-day bender starting on July 7, 1977 at a strip club called Seventh Heaven at the corner of 7th St. and 7th Ave. in the West Village.