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You should try the new snack product: Pretzelcoatals | Seamus O'Sparks

You should try the new snack product: Pretzelcoatals

By Seamus O'Sparks on October 11, 2012 — 1 min read

You should try the new snack product-Pretzelcoatals. They’re great. It’s a pretzel with chile, lime, and human flesh flavoring. Ritual cannibalism in a bag. And there’s also Azchex Mix…and small pox. Oy. This is a bad post. BUT, there is something spooky in the air. And I’m not talking about the upcoming presidential election(Har Har Har). But, we Americans love to be righteous and indignant abo…ut our politicians and say, “Woah!” and “Eeeek!” and “What jokers!” That’s because we’ve all got lots of smarts real good and democracy is better than say, I don’t know, a thalassocracy. That’s what Carthage was. And you saw what happened to them. They practiced “Moloch.” That included ritualistic child sacrifice. But you don’t see me making light of that with some wiseacre crack about a snack food. Like Hannibites or something equally as inane(they could be elephant shaped?) So, you see, all empires eventually crumble. There’s no shame in it. Maybe one day some post-historical jerk will be sitting at his computer wondering what kind of snack food he can spin out of the once Great AMERICAN Empire? Something like Yankee-loaf, or Americrunchers, or electoral college soup, or freedom only works when your really obnoxious about it rolls, or I’m a consumer and that entitles me to be an inconsiderate prick bites, or Manifest Destin-E’s(little E shaped crackers-too cute!) Where was I going with all of this? Oh yes: October is a spooky, creepy time of year.

Posted in: Random

The Story of Seamus

Seamus O'Sparks is the seventh son of a Seventh Day Adventist who went on a seven-day bender starting on July 7, 1977 at a strip club called Seventh Heaven at the corner of 7th St. and 7th Ave. in the West Village.