Warning: Use of undefined constant DATABASE_SERVER - assumed 'DATABASE_SERVER' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/wjl7ay88puji/domains/seamus.wileykoepp.com/html/wp-config.php on line 32
CAVEAT EMPTOR! | Seamus O'Sparks


By Seamus O'Sparks on October 10, 2012 — 1 min read

CAVEAT EMPTOR! Do not get your Halloween pumpkins from that place-St. Maurice’s Home For Troubled Pumpkins. These pumpkins are BAD! I got one there a week ago. Let me put it this way, you don’t carve these pumpkins-these pumpkins carve you. I took home this cute little blonde pumpkin with big blue eyes. It was too adorable. But this pumpkin is really bad. It drank all my vodka and cursed me out in…Russian. It started a fire in the bathtub and ate all the soap in the house. And I’m like, “No Dimitri, stop it Dimitri!” But he doesn’t listen. I’m at my wits’s end! All I wanted was a little pumpkin that I could love and cuddle and call my own and hack up. But now my life is pure chaos and slavic graffiti all over my face when I wake up. I don’t even know the Cyrillic alphabet! Does anybody have room in their heart for a dagger wielding, hard drinking, pyromaniac pumpkin named Dimitri. He’s about 10 years old. Very “precocious.” Anybody? Anybody know a priest? Anybody want to loan me money for a plane ticket to Megido? This is the worst October ever…

Posted in: Halloween

The Story of Seamus

Seamus O'Sparks is the seventh son of a Seventh Day Adventist who went on a seven-day bender starting on July 7, 1977 at a strip club called Seventh Heaven at the corner of 7th St. and 7th Ave. in the West Village.