“If I die, I want to come back as a prickly pear.” By Seamus O'Sparks on April 13, 2017 — 1 min read Nix stared at me and asked, “Why?” “Look at them. They just suck on the sun and fill up with goo. They feel everything-the wind, the rain, the sun. Mostly,they just feel good about themselves-all gooey inside.” Tiny said, “Yeah, gooey on the inside but spikey on the outside.” “Exactly. Nothing fucks with them because... More
America has farted By Seamus O'Sparks on November 11, 2016 — 1 min read America has farted My nation cut a fart And it smells like liberty It was loud and it was rank And was squarely aimed at me My nation cut a fart And then blamed it on the dog We couldn’t see clear to blame ourselves Through the fetid fog Between the gloating and the gloom... More
OH MY GOD! By Seamus O'Sparks on May 9, 2015 — 1 min read OH MY GOD! I just heard the news that the AMERICANS are going to INVADE TEXAS! But I live in Texas? Which is also America (United States of)? Zuh?…and now I see it (FLASHING LIGHTS) Wowzer-those sneaky pukes! I don’t think history has ever seen such a cunning tactic employed with respect to a SURPRISE... More
JUSTICE AT THE SUPER BOWL! By Seamus O'Sparks on January 28, 2015 — 1 min read JUSTICE AT THE SUPER BOWL! Hey AMERICA, I think I have a suitable remedy to the whole New England softer ball fiasco. During the Super Bowl, The Patriots- whenever faced with a third down conversion-must run the play with a completely flat ball. It’s poetically just and still sporting. American LOVES a winner… and for... More
BREAK THE INTERNET! By Seamus O'Sparks on November 13, 2014 — 1 min read BREAK THE INTERNET! Check out this HOT PHOTO of KIM KARDASHIAN getting a soda-NOT PHOTOSHOPPED! Giving us what we want,oh baby baby baby…oh, and some dopey local band has this going on tomorrow Chasca at Bar 2211 Austin… #Butt #Kardashian #Dashmeagainsttherocks #America #is #retarded #fame #media #Hitler #Jesus #celebrity #Walmart #Will #Kill #US #All More
Well, 2013 is winding down By Seamus O'Sparks on December 31, 2013 — 1 min read Well, 2013 is winding down. And what a year it was: Trayvon Martin became our national martyr, Phil Robertson became a totem of free speech, and Miley Cyrus became the boundary-pushing force du jour. Once upon a time it was Medgar Evers, Allen Ginsberg, and Janis Joplin…Congratulations 21st Century America-we officially suck. More
Happy July! By Seamus O'Sparks on July 1, 2013 — 1 min read Happy July! Soon it will be AMERICA’S big day!!! Let’s take a moment, then, to appreciate that most American of totems: The American flag. I, for one, love the American flag. I think it’s sexy. It’s true. I’ve always had a “thing” for our star-spangled banner. I mean, we’re not talking a star-flecked, star-crossed,star-dappled piece... More
Alright people, Chasca plays this Friday at The Red Eyed Fly in Austin By Seamus O'Sparks on February 7, 2013 — 1 min read Alright people, Chasca plays this Friday at The Red Eyed Fly in Austin. No fooling. I was trying to explain this to the people in Wal-Mart yesterday. But all they wanted to hear was how great America was and what the rollback prices were and why can’t you carry deadly snakes onto a bus…So they... More