Autumn Bottom – Golden Years My Ass

By Seamus O'Sparks on April 29, 2017 — 1 min read

I was at the eye doctor the other day. I was diagnosed with presbyopia. I’ve always felt uncomfortable around Presbyterians but I was shocked to learn that I have a fear of them. I had no idea optometry could diagnose such things. I guess the doc could see disdain for Presbyterians in my eyes….

I just looked up presbyopia…it means age has made my eyes less adept at focusing on objects up close. I need bifocals. Which is good. I’ve always been curious about “switching it up.” I mean, I adore women but I’ll admit to slinking over to the gay section of the dirty bookstores (frequently) and having a look-see. Now, apparently, I need to explore my sexuality for the sake of my vision. Best medicine ever I sez…

I just looked up bifocals…they’re glasses with two lenses. I guess I’m getting older, what with my deteriorating eyes, irrational prejudices, and man lust. In fact, just now, I received an email from And the other day I was at the supermarket and found myself singing along to the music playing over the loud speaker. It was “Reminiscing” by The Little River Band. Also, when I was at the eye doctor I got really cantankerous because I had to wait so long and was missing my programs. Bad eyes and crotchety disposition and solicitation for hot senior sex, me and the other bifocals. I’m definitely getting there…sigh…

BUT, I’m not worried about aging. I’m going to have fun with it. The young remain perpetually stupid while the old go out of their minds. Which is about the only way to go anymore. When you’re old you can be as weird as you want and people just have to take it…or they dope you up. Just like in rock n roll. I can see me and my Reminiscing singing bifocal friends sitting in our rockers without pants gobbling our meds bitching about Presbyterians and yelling to a group of heavy bossomed coeds, “YOU KIDS-Get off my lawn…and into my jacuzzi…” I’m going to be hard to eulogize.

Posted in: Random

The Story of Seamus

Seamus O'Sparks is the seventh son of a Seventh Day Adventist who went on a seven-day bender starting on July 7, 1977 at a strip club called Seventh Heaven at the corner of 7th St. and 7th Ave. in the West Village.