I just got my rejection letter from The Illuminati

By Seamus O'Sparks on April 12, 2017 — 1 min read

I really could use some positive vibes and hugs today. I just got my rejection letter from The Illuminati. I’m pretty bummed out. First The New Yorker and now these guys. Doesn’t anyone like me? Meh… Here’s what they wrote:

Dear Seamus,

You are most definitely not Illuminati material. We are a group of powerful men dedicated to controlling the planet. You, by your own admission, are not “into hassles or a heavy rule trip.” We, at The Illuminati, are all about rules. It’s what makes us tick. We are pure evil. You are lazy. We worship the LORD OF LIGHT-LUCIFER. The closest you come to having any kind of diabolical spiritual sensibility is your repeated insistence that STYX “kicks ass.”

I’m not sure how you got the impression that our organization is a “bitchin’ scene.” We are not bitchin’. We are sinister-we are The Illuminati. We control humanity and all its puny affairs. We control you-even though you have continually ignored our demands to stop sending us pictures of yourself wearing various hats. How many hats do you own?

Also, PLEASE STOP CONFUSING US WITH THE SCIENTOLOGISTS. There is no one by the name of Darth Vader here. Quit asking for his autograph. In closing, we insist you cease contacting us. Your letters are a nuisance and distraction. You will never amount to anything. You will always be part of the hoi polloi. Find another secret and all powerful cabal to, “kick out the jams” with. We don’t need your kind in The Illuminati. In other words: PISS OFF.

And no, I will not translate “Party Till Ya’ Puke” into Latin for you.

Sona Si Latine Loqueris,

THE ILLUMINATI

Posted in: Letters

The Story of Seamus

Seamus O'Sparks is the seventh son of a Seventh Day Adventist who went on a seven-day bender starting on July 7, 1977 at a strip club called Seventh Heaven at the corner of 7th St. and 7th Ave. in the West Village.