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By Seamus O'Sparks on January 11, 2017 — 3 mins read

I think these “tell us about yourself” things on FB are kind of fun. However, I don’t think they go DEEP enough. FB is pretty superficial as it is. I say we take a giant leap forward in our internet consciousness and reveal ALL! Come on, no one is afraid of exhibiting their inner moronic prick on here…so let’s dish some dirt on ourselves. I’ll start and if you ‘like’ this post then you have to copy and paste it and answer these questions. You also must share with, and tag, 200 of your FB friends including close family, employers, and (probably) a lawyer…
1.) What’s your favorite drug? Cocaine
2.) Have you ever masturbated at work? Of course
3.) When you have to go to the bathroom (#2) do you ever “hold it” just for kicks? Yep
4.) Have you ever used your genitals to perform an amusing trick in public and it caused someone who saw it to have to confess what they saw to a priest? I’m proud to say yes, once
5.) Have you ever performed a homoerotic act in order to impress/turn on someone of the opposite sex? Well, this one’s a shade of grey really…the fact that they were turned on was just kind of a bonus.
6.) Have you ever done something terrible when you were drunk and then blamed it on the alcohol even though you knew it wasn’t really the alcohol that caused your terrible behavior but you were too cowardly to face your dysfunction(s) and fess up and get help? Ha! Hiding from my personal flaws is one of the main reasons I drink…yes
7.) Have you ever offended somone/provoked a fight in a foreign language? Yes…but it was kind of by accident. Besides…It was the alcohol talking, not me.
8.) Have you ever had sex while at work? Affirmative
9.) Have you ever been busted while having sex in public? Yes…at work…by the guy delivering the Chinese food I ordered… It’s the closest I have ever come to living in a porno movie.
10.) Have you ever peed on the floor of a bar because you thought it was full of stupid people? Yes
11.) Favorite female porn star? Buffy Davis
12.) Favorite male porn star? Ron Jeremy
13.) Have you ever exploited someone’s vulnerability to get them to participate in a threesome? Is alcoholism a vulnerability? If so then yes…
14.) Favorite booze? Olde English High Gravity 40oz
15.) Have you ever suffered from withdrawal symptoms? All the best people do…maybe I just catch malaria every Monday?
16.) Do you ever put up tasteless posts on FB just to see how people react? It’s happened a time or two
17.) Favorite sex position? Doggy Style
18.) Have you ever used your ability to vomit on command as a way to make things unpleasant for your probation officer? Heh heh-best use I ever got out of my vomit proficiency
19.) Have you ever insisted on a cavity search just to tweak a cop’s nerves? Yes, but when I asked if I could keep the glove he proved to be a pretty good sport about it
20.) Have you ever gotten turned on by an episode of Law & Order S.V.U.? That one episode where the married couple were involved in porn was pretty righteous…yeah, I think so.
21.) Have you ever visited the FB profiles of your friends to facilitate autoerotic gratification? I’ve told you countless times, yes…
22.) Have you ever had to take a urinalysis, masturbated into the cup and then acted contrite and explained that you were confused about what type of specimen they wanted (even though you knew damn well they wanted your pee) as a way to twist the screws on the idiots making you take a stupid drug test? It’s what kept me out of the Army

Posted in: Facebook, Lists, Sex

The Story of Seamus

Seamus O'Sparks is the seventh son of a Seventh Day Adventist who went on a seven-day bender starting on July 7, 1977 at a strip club called Seventh Heaven at the corner of 7th St. and 7th Ave. in the West Village.