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By Seamus O'Sparks on December 30, 2016 — 2 mins read

Can someone please help me? I need advice on a heavy and sensitive personal issue. I smell really bad. I don’t know what’s causing it but I’ve had this stink for about a week and it gets worse everyday. I can’t determine where the bad smell is coming from. I’ve checked all the usual danger zones (armpits, crotch, feet, etc…) but this stink doesn’t seem to be localized-it just is. And man is it ever. I have washed with every kind of cleaning agent imaginable-some of them highly toxic. That just made things worse-now I smell like stink plus a toxic waste dump. Add to that, I sustained a chemical burn on my bottom that scorched me so bad my ass feels like the surface of Mercury. I can’t tell you how embarassing this is. I tried calling Lime A-Way and Ask A Nurse and Burger King but all they did was point and laugh and give me the run around. I think my body is absorbing every smell it comes into contact with. I’m like a smell sponge. People won’t make love to me anymore. Well this one couple was down, but I think it was the STINK they were attracted to. What perverts. I told them that I was more than a stink -that I was a man. I wish they wanted me for my humanity, not my novel and emetic smell. They didn’t dig what I was saying and it got confrontational. I had to push them both out of an aeroplane. I think this stink has seeped into my brain. I never used to push people out of aeroplanes before (a helicopter once). Has anyone ever experienced this? Any Chinese medicine I can take? An herbal flush? Come on people-help me out. I’d hate to have to push you out of an aeroplane. I’m pretty sure none of you will help. Cads….you’ll be content to just sit there grinning and whistling and quipping, “What’s to be done with Ole Stinky Pants Sparks?” Ho ho! We’ll see who’s laughing last when I get you in that aeroplane…burppppp…..You see? I’m losing my mind here. I don’t really feel that way about you all…it’s not me. It’s the stink. It’s my stink. And it’s everything I always wanted. This stink is RAW-this stink is POWER….damn… it’s happening again and getting worse. My cat just hissed at me…he knows….he knows too much…well a little plane trip will fix that…HELP!!!! shut up, you fool….it’s all over me….MAYBE YOU NEED TO RIDE IN THE AEROPLANE…no no no….the horror the horror……………………………………………………………………….

Posted in: Advice

The Story of Seamus

Seamus O'Sparks is the seventh son of a Seventh Day Adventist who went on a seven-day bender starting on July 7, 1977 at a strip club called Seventh Heaven at the corner of 7th St. and 7th Ave. in the West Village.