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By Seamus O'Sparks on October 10, 2016 — 2 mins read

MESSAGE TO HUMANA INSURANCE (LONG POST WARNING): Hello, Humana. My name is James Martin. I’m contacting you on Facebook because I couldn’t find an email for you anywhere…at least not without going through the rigamarole of “signing in” to your website. And I didn’t want to do that. As a client of yours, I don’t like being forced through your filters to go on your turf just to share some raw thoughts. That may seem like gross sloth on my part, but I think I’ve earned the right to express myself on my terms. Since you began covering me in January, 2014, I have been the perfect client. I’ve paid every premium on time and never once required medical attention. A couple of days ago I received a letter from you telling me that as of January 1st, 2017, my current Humana plan will no longer be available in my area. Your letter doesn’t explain why this change is occuring. And I probably wouldn’t understand the hard details anyway. If you laid a torrent of crude figures and actuarial charts in front of me, I’d be way out of my league and you would be wasting both of our time. I did think it was peculiar that within a day of receiving your letter I had a phone message from you, urging me to call back and providing me with a P.I.N. I returned the call thinking it was probably related to your sudden shift in my coverage, only to discover that it was a customer service survey. What are you guys thinking, canceling my coverage, then turning around to lay some kind of numbskull survey on me about my satisfaction with your service? Your “service” has consisted of me dutifully paying you, never once dipping into the till, and then getting the bum’s rush. I think it’s weird that you would ask me for my input on things given the nature of our relationship at this point. I don’t blame you for me not geting sick-I’m not completely cracked here. And I understand that the whole enterprise of insurance, from a business perspective, is a play the ponies kind of hustle. But I question your wisdom, on a human level, when I get cut loose then immediately asked my opinion on your service. Please know, this message isn’t a complaint. It’s a heads up. The only way I can feel better about all of this, and truly give you honest feedback about your service, is to make myself as sick as possible for the remainder of my time under your aegis. In other words, I’m cashing in. That’s right, I’m going to go hog wild-starting now-licking every hand rail, hanging out in public restrooms, eating nothing but fast food, unprotected sex with strangers, chronic substance use, amateur rodeo competitions, cage fighting, bee wrangling, bear baiting..you name it. I’m gonna’ get my money’s worth if it kills me. I look forward to working with you a LOT more intimately over the next couple of months. Then I’ll be better prepared to take your survey. Thanks! -James Martin

Posted in: Facebook, Rants

The Story of Seamus

Seamus O'Sparks is the seventh son of a Seventh Day Adventist who went on a seven-day bender starting on July 7, 1977 at a strip club called Seventh Heaven at the corner of 7th St. and 7th Ave. in the West Village.