HERE COMES THE UNFRIENDING!!! (LONG LONG POST WARNING)… Hey! I see lots of people talking about how they “unfriended” someone here on FB because the person said something that ran afoul of them. HOW NEAT! I didn’t know you could do that. So, I’m going to start unfriending people. With great relish too. Since I’m nothing if not a sport, here’s my rubric for getting yourself unfriended:
1.) Posting something (anything) I disagree with (obviously).
2.) Broadcasting different beliefs than mine.
3.) Not “liking” my posts.
4.) “Liking” other people’s posts that I don’t like.
5.) Not “liking” my band.
6.) Not liking my band.
7.) Not liking my band but “liking” my band.
8.) Not “liking” my band but liking my band.
9.) “Liking” other bands that I don’t like.
10.) Supporting politicians that I don’t support.
11.) Practicing religions that aren’t mine.
12.) Posting pictures of food that I don’t like.
13.) Posting about your personal life too much.
14.) Not posting about your personal life enough.
15.) Posting about personal achievements that make me feel bad about myself.
16.) Posting details about your love life while I have a crush on you.
17.) ANY philosophizing. ANY…NO RUMI QUOTES! (That’ll get you double unfriended).
18.) Posting memes.
19.) Posting videos.
20.) Posting pictures of your kids or any kids (especially if I made ’em).
21.) You don’t have any pictures of yourself in the photos section of your profile wearing a two piece swim suit or short shorts or something sexy.
22.) Not wanting to “sleep” with me.
23.) Not wanting me to “sleep” with you. (relatives exempt from #s 22 and 23…maybe a couple of exceptions).
24.) Using the word, “blessed.”
25.) Using the word, “totes.”
26.) Ending a post with the phrase, “mic drop.”
27.) Using the thumbs up sign when messaging me.
28.) Posting about your band if your band is better and/or more succesful than mine.
29.) Inviting me to play ANY games online.
30.) If you identify as “sapio sexual” or “pan sexual.” Whatever happened to perverts and hedonists?
31.) If satire escapes you.
32.) Using my own words against me.
33.) Advocacy of ANY kind.
34.) Psuedo intellectualism.
35.) Pseudo science.
36.) Su Su Sudio.
37.) Quasi stupidity.
38.) Quasimodo.
39.) FULL modo.
40.) Goguery.
41.) Demagoguery.
42.) Demi Moore.
43.) You don’t have a strong moral problem with autotune.
44.) You think AVATAR is awesome.
45.) You didn’t cry when watching THE FOX AND THE HOUND.
46.) You never saw THE FOX AND THE HOUND.
47.) You haven’t read this post up to this point.
48.) You don’t find American flag bikinis super sexy.
49.) Posting pictures of your pets.
50.) You take this post seriously.
Man, now I’m so worked up I wish they had an ENEMIES option on Facebook >:(