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I need some heavy advice | Seamus O'Sparks

I need some heavy advice

By Seamus O'Sparks on December 12, 2015 — 1 min read

I need some heavy advice. On my way home from work I heard something in the woods. I went to investigate and discovered that a baby Dracula had been abandoned. I didn’t know what to do so I took him home. I don’t know tiddly-twat about babies or Draculas. IS there a number I should call or what should I do here? Should I breastfeed him? I think I’m going to breastfeed him. I asked the Romanian family down the street for advice, but I think they hexed me. Maybe they’re Greek? Can someone come over? I’m stuck at home with a baby Dracula. I think I will name him Bill…maybe Dale. Is it wrong to watch porno while nurturing a baby Dracula? Please help…Can someone come watch porno with me and talk Dracula talk so Bill will stop crying please? I’ll let you borrow my blu-ray of Kramer Vs. Kramer. Will I mess this Dracula up if I raise him Catholic? If you know a Dracula please have them contact me. I think I have their kid and I don’t want to warp him. Poor little Bill has enough to worry about without my pathologies kinking up his psyche. I know Draculas don’t like holy water. Is guacamole okay though? See how difficult this is. Isn’t there a “Chicken Soup for the Soul” book that offers insight into this kind of situation? Can someone give me Gary Oldman’s number? How come my Friday’s are always getting ruined… Will I qualify for WIC if I found and am raising a baby Dracula and can you get cigarettes through them? HELP PLEASE :

Posted in: Advice

The Story of Seamus

Seamus O'Sparks is the seventh son of a Seventh Day Adventist who went on a seven-day bender starting on July 7, 1977 at a strip club called Seventh Heaven at the corner of 7th St. and 7th Ave. in the West Village.