I know I’m posting too much lately

By Seamus O'Sparks on September 23, 2015 — 2 mins read

I know I’m posting too much lately. Oh well-we make hay while the sun shines, right? Here’s a letter I sent recently to Berzerk online games:
Hi there, Berzerk. That is a most appropriate name for your company because your games are crazy fun to play. I have been enjoying your game, Sands of the Coliseum, immensely. I work retail so my days pretty much consist of sucking wind from a smelly and parsimonius American public. When I get home from work it gives me deep satisfaction to access your game and start twisting the screws in the combat arena. I’ve reached level 60! I am curious to know something. Why is it that when you go to Olympus or choose to fight a “contender” in Rome that the level of your opponent’s skill becomes so grossly high? I mean these cats have some serious super powers. I have been forced to engage in countless rounds with already vanquished opponents in order to get my levels up. This has had mixed results. I’ve risen to the level of number 4 challenger in Olympus and reached a level 60-as I mentioned above-for all three of my team members. This has availed me almost nothing. The level 3 opponents in Olympus are still insurmountable and every time I engage with a “contender” in the Roman theater I get my ass kicked. I get it kicked real bad. This is a bummer on many levels. My only options seem to be to keep fighting “lesser” opponents ad nauseam-very time consuming and not much fun, or keep getting my ass kicked-less time consuming and even less fun. Any advice on what I can do? I want to keep enjoying your game. I want to make the grade. I want to be a “contender” too. All I’m asking for here is a fair fight. I’ve been praying on this. I’ve done reflections and read affirmations. I’m going to the gym and cutting out snacks. I’m doing the work. I just need something to give me back my edge. You should have seen me when I was coming up through the ranks. I was a lean young go getter. I was a human tiger. But now, after so many defeats and so much frustration in the face of these opponents with near supernatural abilities, I have gone to pot. Well, no more taking it in the wings. It’s time I made a stand. They won’t have Seamus to kick around anymore. So, any insight you can offer me as to how I can run with and beat the best would be much appreciated. They all laugh at me down at work. I’ll be damned if some game is going to take the piss out of me when I get home. Please help me. Together, we can crush our opponents. We can smite the faithless, ravage their women, and make bastards of their children. We can know the intoxication of well-earned victory. Then we’ll see who’s laughing.
Cur ante tubam tremor occupat artus?
Seamus O Sparks
P.S.-Do think it would help if I got my individual team member’s speed up? They’re real slow off the line but deadly in the stretch.
P.P.S-Did you know that Berzerk means ‘Bear Shirt’ in Viking?
(No Response)

Posted in: Facebook, Letters

The Story of Seamus

Seamus O'Sparks is the seventh son of a Seventh Day Adventist who went on a seven-day bender starting on July 7, 1977 at a strip club called Seventh Heaven at the corner of 7th St. and 7th Ave. in the West Village.