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By Seamus O'Sparks on June 23, 2015 — 10 mins read

WARNING:HEROICALLY LONG POST AHEAD. It seems Red Ted is at it again. Apparently, so he tells me, he is quite the magnet for internet scam artists. For about a week he has been courting a poor damsel who needs to get home from Nigeria. Here is the unfiltered finale(courtesy of Ted) of RED TED VS WILLIAMS SHARON:THE NIGERIAN SCAM ARTIST:
Today (6/22/15 6:00am)
Williams Sharon: hello mr red good morning how was your night hope you slept like a baby,,,I will like to have instant chat with you ,.
Red Ted: Hey! I slept good! I’ve been busy today trying to get money together smile emoticon how are you?
Williams Sharon: Have you get the money together now
Red Ted: My lawyer asked me if this was a scam. You’re not scamming me are you?
Williams Sharon: I will never do that,
Red Ted: i didn’t think so
Williams Sharon: What did you tell your lawyer.
Red Ted: that I didn’t think it was a scam
Williams Sharon: you know am not a scam mr red.,trust me mr red.
Red Ted: i was once scammed out of a ham. that was a long time ago. During the ham scam wave of the early 1980s. Times were tough. People needed ham
Williams Sharon: People scamming are going to hell fire
Red Ted: I agree. what about people who do anal?
Williams Sharon: You know there’s know forgiveness in heaven mr. ted
Red Ted: will there be ham in heaven?
Williams Sharon: Don’t understand anal mr red
Red Ted: neither did my wife…now she is in heaven frown emoticon
eating ham with jesus
Williams Sharon: Where are you now.
You have not send me your photo yet mr red
Red Ted: because I’m so scared to. youll think I’m icky
Williams Sharon: why are you scaring mr red trust me,as I trust you I won’t do think like that mr red,,
Red Ted: my face is covered in phenotypes
Williams Sharon: if you can do that now send it to me ,,,
Red Ted: …and anal
Williams Sharon: Send it
Red Ted: Send a pic?
Williams Sharon: Yes mr red
Red Ted: let me find one- give me a few minutes
Williams Sharon: Okay.
Red Ted: tell me about Nigeria, are there ghosts there?
Williams Sharon: They are not a ghost. Here is not good place to stay ,,,Is very bad,,,
Red Ted: is there ham in Nigeria?
Williams Sharon: they kidnap here,,
Red Ted: okay, I have GREAT NEWS! I’m coming to Nigeria to get you personally!
I just got my ticket, and I have a return ticket for you to fly back with me-FIRST CLASS! smile emoticon
Williams Sharon: When is that.
Red Ted: I leave tonight and will be there tomorrow!
Williams Sharon: I love that mr red . Send me your photo. I need to no you mr red. send me your photo.
Red Ted: Isn’t that exciting!
Williams Sharon: Want to see you well
Red Ted: Im trying but I can’t figure out how to send a picture. I’m not good on computers. But you’ll get to see me in person TOMORROW! I’ll be wearing a shirt with a big HUGE American flag on it! We’re gonna’ bring you home!!!
Williams Sharon: I will appreciate that mr red. there will be very a lot of people in airport,,send me your photo to recognise you well.
Red Ted : I’ll try, but you will recognize me by my shirt with the big huge American flag! I don’t know how to get my picture sent. I need help… But don’t worry, I will also have a big sign with your name on it too!!! you won’t be able to miss me! and I’ll bring you some presents! do you like chocolate?
Williams Sharon: Let me see you first mr red.
Red Ted: I can’t wait to meet you!!! my plane leaves in 6 hours! I’m already packing! maybe when we get back to America we can go on a date? hey, I gotta let my turtle out. Be back in a couple of minutes! heart emoticon you!!
Wiliams Sharon: Wish too but you are huding your self for me
Red Ted: No, not huding. I could never hude from you… I just can’t figure out how to get my picture out on the computer. My nephew could help me. I could never hude from you. I think I love you!
Williams Sharon: You don’t love me,,
Red Ted: i want to put babies in you, little Nigerian babies and get married maybe? I can’t wait to see you! Are there any good places to eat in Nigeria? i think I do love you heart emoticon
Williams Sharon: you don’t love me, Because you don’t trust me,,,
Red Ted: Of course I trust you, how could you say that? but, would you rather I don’t come to Nigeria and just send you the money?
Williams Sharon: Good,, and if you send me the money good too,,
Red Ted: I want to come see you!!!! I’ll bring you a chocolate covered turtle!
Williams Sharon: Ok
Red Ted: what’s fun to do in Nigeria? I plan on staying a couple of days.
Williams Sharon: Here his not good place to do any fun,,I told you they kidnap here
Red Ted: Do they have a wet-n-wild? Plus, I’m an American. Everybody loves Americans. Are there crocodiles in Nigeria? Are you so excited to see me and have me bring you home and give you a turtle?
Williams Sharon: They do kidnap white here a lot.
Red Ted: do they still have that restaurant in Nigeria, I think it was called The Sultry Wizard
Williams Sharon: Am not feel free here
Red Ted: they served excellent turtled ham there. I think they served those Famished Wizard Goose Balls
Williams Sharon: Have you heard about the criminal boko’aram
Red Ted: best goose balls I ever had
Williams Sharon: They are terrorist
Red Ted: i think I read about them
Williams Sharon: they kidnap bomb the city any how they like.
Red Ted: Even the restaurants?
Williams Sharon: You have to be very careful when you get here.,,
Red Ted: I will. I’ll wear my lucky hat! I need to go get money from my lawyer and talk to the U.S. consulate. Be back in 29 minutes! I can’t wait to see you and talk baby talk and eat frozen turtle! you are a miracle! And soon I will have you safe in my arms!! is Nigeria a good place for people in wheelchairs?
Williams Sharon: No..What do you mean by saying that (is Nigeria a good place for people in wheelchairs?)
Red Ted: Oh, so I can know how easy it will be for me to get around there.
Williams Sharon: Are you on a wheelchair
Red Ted: Yeah, but it doesn’t get me down. I’ll let you ride in my wheelchair! You will love it!
Williams Sharon: Yes,,,
Red Ted: Don’t worry though, if we had children they would not be born with wheelchairs. I’m typing fast because I’m so excited!!!
Williams Sharon: I will take care of you when I get to you.
Red Ted: Awww, that’s so sweet!
Williams Sharon: what lead you to wheelchair
Red Ted: I think I will land in Nigeria around 5:00 pm your time tomorrow! But-I need to ask you something
Williams Sharon: What is that.
Red Ted: I lost my legs in a knifing accident. I was at a knife factory and the robot went wrong. He went haywire and made me legless. At least I still have my eyes! At least one of them. Enough about me though. So, I need to ask you something
Williams Sharon: what’s that mr red
Red Ted: Since I’m doing you a huge favor by coming to get you, I need you to help me with something.
Williams Sharon: What’s that
Red Ted: I spent all of my money on the plane tickets and hotel to come get you and it turns out that I need traveler’s insurance to be able to go to Nigeria. They won’t let me leave the country without it. It costs 200 dollars. Can you wire me 200 dollars and I can pay you back 500 when we get home to the United States
Williams Sharon: You know I don’t have money over here mr red I barely eat over her
Red Ted: Gosh, if you could just find a way to scrounge up a couple of hundred dollars, I will be able to make it more than worth your while. I just can’t get it from anywhere else here on such short notice. I had to gather around 5,000.00 dollars to put this trip together. We’re so close to getting you out of there! See if you can borrow the money and then I can pay it back by wire when we get stateside. Trust me! Now I need you to trust me sweetie-we’re gonna’ make this happen! You’ll see! smile emoticon
Williams Sharon: Mr red I don’t have money. You know much more about me and you don’t understand me
Red Ted: Oh, but I do understand you. I’m IN you. I see you. I know how hard things are. You’re a survivor! I know you can get me 200 dollars! I know you are strong! Trust me baby, we can make this happen. I’ll bring you chocolate turtles! Aren’t you excited to see me? Aren’t you excited to come eat ham with me in America? I can get you a job here in America! We need a new rendering chief at the ham factory that I own.
Williams Sharon: No way to do that mr red
Red Ted: Hmmm, too bad….I may have to sell one of my wheelchairs to get that 200 dollars then. Have you ever modeled? My friend needs a model for his business. He sells pencils. His business is called, “Denzel’s Pencils.”
Williams Sharon: Don’t sell your wheel chair
Red Ted: But I need the money to get to Nigeria to get you home sweetie! Then you can go to work for Denzel’s Pencils!
Williams Sharon: But you told me you have some of your late brother money to claim today.
Red Ted: That’s where I got the 5,000 from! I can’t get the rest unless I can pay 500.00 to the lawyers for arbitrating the will. Can you send me 500 dollars? That way I can get the whole amount! And I would be glad to share it with you!
Williams Sharon: I don’t have the money.
Red Ted: Can you get it?
Williams Sharon: No I can’t
Red Ted: If not, I can sell my wheelchairs and one of my rare turtles and raise the money. I’ll sell my turtles for you sweetie. Even though it breaks my heart to do it. I love those turtles. And they taste delicious
Williams Sharon: Thanks mr red
Red Ted: Can we hold hands on the airplane?
Williams Sharon: No
Red Ted: We can’t hold hands on the aeroplane? That makes me sad frown emoticon. Can you send me 10 dollars? I’d like to buy you a rare turtle They cost 10 dollars each. I need the money bad Otherwise I’ll have to sell my body fat. Do they have dwarves over in Nigeria? I mean, is it a friendly place for dwarves, midgets, you know, little people?
Williams Sharon: Yes they do,, But since am here I saw one.
Red Ted: And do people show them respect and not make them dance for coins? because that’s what they do to me here in America. Do Nigerian dwarves have strange powers and abilities?
Williams Sharon: I don’t know anything about that.
Red Ted: You know, like the Tikoloshe? Have you seen a Tikoloshe?
Williams Sharon: No
Red Ted: Can I borrow 50 dollars? I need to leave extra food for my turtles and dwarves while I am away. I need your help on this.
Williams Sharon: What’s the meaning of tikoloshe
Red Ted: TIkoloshe is a magic dwarf .Like me!
Williams Sharon: No money
Red Ted: Only I am not magic. Can you at least send me a cat? I need four stout cats to de-mouse my place while I am away.
Williams Sharon:: Which, Cat?
Red Ted: :Yeah, please send me a cat if you can. I need help in the form of a fightin’ feline.
Williams Sharon: Where should I get a cat. I can’t get a cat.
Red Ted: How come you can’t help me. I thought we were friends? Can you borrow a cat? I’ll send it back. If you send me one cat, I will send you three back. Come on, you can’t beat that exchange rate anywhere. Why do you think the god of the Israelites was so mean? He wouldn’t let them eat ham. He made them lop of a ball. Why was he so mean to them?
Williams Sharon: How,,, sending a cat
Red Ted: Wire them.
Red Ted: hello…

Posted in: Random

The Story of Seamus

Seamus O'Sparks is the seventh son of a Seventh Day Adventist who went on a seven-day bender starting on July 7, 1977 at a strip club called Seventh Heaven at the corner of 7th St. and 7th Ave. in the West Village.