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By Seamus O'Sparks on October 21, 2014 — 3 mins read

Oh my heck did I have a rough night…So rough that my grammar and syntax and word choice might be kinda’ iffy here. I felt a little blue yesterday so I went to the saloon. There I was, sitting at the bar drinking my milk, when who should walk in but the Dark Prince himself. That’s right-Old Nick, the author of all sin, Mammon, Son of the Morning, Abaddon, Little Horn, you know-The Fallen One. He sat down next to me and smirked and told me that I looked a little down. I grunted. Then he winked at me and said, “watch this” and he got the whole bar worked up by saying, loudly, “This whole country went down the crapper when they took the prayer out of school.” Dio Scherzo, here it comes-I thought. So there we were while this huge row erupted. I moved to a table for some peace…guess who followed me. For the next twenty minutes I had to listen to an infinite number of reasons why “Tango in the Night” was the greatest Fleetwood Mac album of all time. Finally I snapped and yelled, “Are you simple-without Buckingham or Peter Green Mac is nothing!” The whole bar got quiet and looked over at us. Then I looked at my agitator and said, between clenched teeth, “You see, this is why no one likes you.” He laughed and said, “Well, at least I get results.” I said, “Yeah, well so does a pap smear. Devil, get your giddy ass to a Frat party or Wal-Mart. Go someplace where they deserve your charm.” Then I skulked out into the night. On the way home I got a stomach ache because of all the milk I had drunk-drank-drinken? Cocaine. I stopped to process the sour pain in my gut. Then I heard a rustling in the trees. I thought-I sure hope that’s not the gays coming to convert me. BOOM-out of the woods came this hideous monster. Could it be-oh no, it was-it was Pumpkinhead!!! That put the fix on my tummy ache. I ran into the brush and hid behind an abandoned shed. I saw the monster’s lumbering shadow as it was cast on the ground before me. Holy Crow! I realized that I was in, OH NO- PUMPKINHEAD FOUR-THE HALLOWEENENING. I didn’t need that sh*t. It had already been a bad day. Then, the worst realization of all came to me. This movie would be released straight to DVD. OH NO-now my life really did suck!!!! And to top it off this piece of shi*t movie would follow me around for the rest of time. I ran and ran until I came upon on a spooky old cabin deep in the woods. Typical lazy hack screen-writing. But there was no time for critique, for I could hear the monster lumbering towards me. I knocked on the door and yelled the customary: ‘help’ and ‘please’ and ‘I’m naked and vulnerable with bountiful breasts and a twisted ankle and could just be eaten alive.’ No one answered. I gave one last pound on the rustic door. Then I heard a low growl behind me. GREAT SCOTT-it was Pumpkinhead and we were on the threshold of my grizzly death scene. I fell to my knees and begin to sob, “Why?” SUDDENLY-out from the cabin burst a furious energy. I felt myself being propelled forward and onto the ground. We landed hard and it hurt. OH NO-it was JAMES CAAN!!! He shouted at me, ‘You son-of-a-bitch, you’re supposed to keep 200 yards away from me at all times.’ Then Pumpkinhead growled and lunged and picked up James Caan with his hellish maw. I beat it out of there and didn’t look back for nothing. I just ran and ran; a solid streak of farts and tears. I made it home and let out a huge puke. Thank GOD for James Caan! His appearance alone guaranteed that the film would receive, at least, a limited theatrical release…

Posted in: Random

The Story of Seamus

Seamus O'Sparks is the seventh son of a Seventh Day Adventist who went on a seven-day bender starting on July 7, 1977 at a strip club called Seventh Heaven at the corner of 7th St. and 7th Ave. in the West Village.