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I think I have figured out how to kick the band’s career up a notch | Seamus O'Sparks

I think I have figured out how to kick the band’s career up a notch

By Seamus O'Sparks on October 11, 2014 — 1 min read

I think I have figured out how to kick the band’s career up a notch. Okay, so, I think it’s safe to presume that rock-in the context of our broader cultural idiom-is dead. BUT-poorly written, scathing, tell-all, self-serving, bitchy, neurotic, half-witted, whiney, platitudinous tell all rock bios are still very much en vogue. So, I’m going to write the most poorly written, scathing, tell-all, self-serving, bitchy, neurotic, half-witted, whiney, platitudinous tell all rock bio that has ever been crafted. It should bullseye America’s pudgy cultural heart! I think the title will be something like, “CHASCA-It’s All Your F*#@in faults that we’re not BIG drug addled rock stars so F#*k YOU!” That ought catch some eyes. Oh, and the dirt I shall dish! Here’s a proto-excerpt, “So after we rocked so hard at the show we decided to go work off some phallocentric steam at the Denny’s. We rolled in, covered in runny makeup and glitter, all strung out from rockin’ so hard and all we wanted was to do was party balls out and unwind. Well these locals were looking at us when we walked in and they smiled and said, ‘Welcome to Denny’s, how many?’ We knew that they were judging us but we didn’t bat an eye. We just stared back in their smug faces and said, ‘Four.’ We got seated and knew that the squares would never understand us. We knew it was us against the world. But you should always follow your dreams. We defiantly ordered the all you can eat pancakes…with EXTRA syrup. There were some chicks in another booth lookin’ us over. We looked back. They weren’t used to seeing people living free. They didn’t know what rock was all about. They asked us if they could take our picture. We said, “sure.” They definitely wanted to have sex with us but they didn’t have the nerve to stick around…because we were too real. That’s the price you pay for being rebels. And we’re rebels. But you should always follow your heart… Oh, and one of us is black.”

Posted in: Chasca

The Story of Seamus

Seamus O'Sparks is the seventh son of a Seventh Day Adventist who went on a seven-day bender starting on July 7, 1977 at a strip club called Seventh Heaven at the corner of 7th St. and 7th Ave. in the West Village.