Many years ago the good folks at FAIRFAX CRYOBANK wrote me a nice letter inviting me to become a sperm donor. Here was my response:
Gentleman,
Your letter indicates that the need for gametes is urgent. Boys, you have found your Spindletop! I’m so gamete replete that on the street I’m called, ‘Gamete Pete.’ I have been, in a manner of speaking, a freelance sperm donor for years. My gametes are top notch! They are tenacious! There’s no egg my boys can’t yegg. I’m GAMETE PETE! I’m gamete replete! My gametes can’t be beat Let’s meet! I’ll treat you to some amazing gamete feats! This is the best thing that has ever happened to me. As a token of my gamete esteem I have enclosed a specimen with this letter. I placed the sample right in the envelope on the letter, with NO TROUBLE AT ALL! If you are reading this letter, your hands are probably crawling with my gametes. And if you think I’m rarin’ to go now, just wait ’till we go LIVE! I love Fairfax Cryobank!
Sincerely,
James T. Fong
p.s.-Re: Confidentiality. No need to make this all hush-hush. I’d like to be able to get a look at whoever I sire. You know, quality control kinda’ thing-Make sure my gametes are cookin’ up real nice. You understand-I take pride in my work. Plus it would warm my heart to get to meet the little bastards!”
No response….