PLEASE READ: THIS IS THE MOST EXCITING (non-sensual) THING I HAVE EVER DONE!
People–I just made a breakthrough of epic proportions! Using my skills as a historian, knowledge of literary devices, and continuing studies of Anthropology and Theology I have finally found the key to reconciling the Creation Vs. Evolution schism.
After scrutinizing the Book of Genesis for the last two years I have found firm metaphorical evidence to suggest that the serpent, with its unctuous tongue, did in fact make a MONKEY out of Adam and, possibly, Eve. I couldn’t believe it when I made this discovery. But the evidence stared me straight in my pedantic swollen face. Now, the implications and ramifications of this discovery will have to be analyzed and processed and debated by scholars. But the irrefutable fact that the Bible confirms the existence of ape-men (of a kind) has brought the once irreconcilable fields of science and religion together under the same umbrella. YAY!
So-regard this discovery and let it bring ALL of my friends together! I am thrilled that my many soulless and condescending atheist friends will finally be able to join hands with my many bigoted and simple minded friends of faith! I think I might be humanity’s last best hope. Keep those letters coming friends!