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I think I have the hand of GOD | Seamus O'Sparks

I think I have the hand of GOD

By Seamus O'Sparks on May 8, 2013 — 1 min read

I think I have the hand of GOD. I carry around a duffel bag. It has very deep side compartment/pockets. It takes me forever to find my keys, and drugs, and porn, etc… Anything I stash in these “pockets” gets lost and takes an eternity of digging around to scrounge up. In the meantime, I have this book called, “The History of Ancient Elam.” In this book, the author talks about this large white hand that would-according to Elamite myth-descend from the sky and wreck havoc on the people of Elam. Now, everyday, the text in this book changes regarding the various destructions this hand has visited upon the hapless Elamites. I conducted an experiment. For a year I have been chronicling the relationship between my bag digging, the text of my book, and the state of the present. Wouldn’t you know, it is, in fact, my hand that is the scourge of the Elamites. Not only do my daily “hand jobs” change the course of “The History of Ancient Elam” but it affects ALL human history. For instance, did you know that the American Civil war was once fought between the short and the tall. And then I went digging for some gum. Presto. Now it’s fought between the North and the South. Here’s a few other changes that I found kinda’ interesting: The American Colonies were defeated by The British but The Beatles ended up coming from Baltimore, The horse was never domesticated but people learned how to ride bears, The Mayans “discovered” Europe which somehow led to country music never being invented(weird right?), instead of hearing God’s voice tell him to “Go and I shall make of you a great people” Abraham heard his wife tell him to “stop drinking and get a job.”, and Abelard never kissed Heloise at the Enchantment Under the Sea Dance meaning that I would have never been born. (Abelard still got castrated though.) If you’re nice to me I’ll let you put your hand in my bag. I wonder if my pants lead anywhere?

Posted in: Random

The Story of Seamus

Seamus O'Sparks is the seventh son of a Seventh Day Adventist who went on a seven-day bender starting on July 7, 1977 at a strip club called Seventh Heaven at the corner of 7th St. and 7th Ave. in the West Village.