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By Seamus O'Sparks on October 31, 2012 — 1 min read

JUST IN TIME FOR HALLOWEEN: Yesterday I took the bus to Austin. It was crowded. I had this rotund Korean guy plop down next to me. He took up all my space and time. He took up everything but my soul. In front of him there was this wiry little fud with big bug glasses. And for 40 minutes these two guys argued and squirmed and let out hacking coughs. Their dispute was over who would win a fight between Boba Fett and Jango Fett and which one of them would make a better Boba Fett and was it true that if Boba Fett counted your teeth at night that you would get sick and die. All the while their great hacking gobs spewed forth abominations and phlegm. And the big boy next to me kept asking if I could scoot over more. And finally I was like, “Child, if I scoot over anymore I’ll be a human stain on I-35.” And big boy said, “You are a human stain, Seamus.” And his eyes did terrible things while he said this to me. I asked him how he knew me. He said he knew my heart’s desire. The bug glasses guy said,”He knows all about you. He’s The Devil.” So there we were Me and my heart’s desire and The Devil and his hacking cough. The Devil then offered me great success and riches beyond the limits of avarice. I said, “Devil, I have everything I want-a strong libido that’s never satisfied, a frustrating job that spoils my humor, and an impossible dream that I waste all my time chasing.” He looked flummoxed. Then he sighed. Then I wet my pants. I mean, really wet my pants. I got urine all over myself, The Devil, his friend, the roof, some sorority girl, the bus driver, the floor. Everywhere. Even righteousness has its ugly side. That Devil found a new seat tout de suite…And I found new peace of mind. DEVIL=0 Seamus=1 I was promptly kicked off the bus. As I was leaving, amidst the insults and jeers, The Devil yelled, “I’ll get your soul yet, SEAMUS O’SPARKS!” I shot him the finger and said,”Maybe,Devil, but not today…”

Posted in: Halloween, Random

The Story of Seamus

Seamus O'Sparks is the seventh son of a Seventh Day Adventist who went on a seven-day bender starting on July 7, 1977 at a strip club called Seventh Heaven at the corner of 7th St. and 7th Ave. in the West Village.