520 years ago today Christopher Columbus made landfall at San Salvador and “discovered” the Indies, the New World, The Western Hemisphere, whatever…Well, last night I made landfall at this strip club called, Boomers! And I discovered true love. You see most of you don’t know this but I suffer from brindled viper dwarfism(shoutout to Ms. DeWitz for coining that condition). Well at BOOMERS! they d…on’t care what you look like because the dancers are all blind and suffer from vertigo. Yeah! So I totally got lucky with a little sweaty sweetie named Pickles. Pickles is about 4’5 with a buckteeth and a sagging wretched little notion of a backside. Seriously, it looks like something out of a geology textbook. But, love is blind and so is Pickles. And we fell in love while the song ‘Crazy Train’ blared and she danced and got sick. Pickles doesn’t speak good English and I gibber non-stop so we have that going for us. And we’re in love and we both love board games like Stratego. Hey we just got married online right now! Oh, and now she’s pregnant…Hey-she just gave birth to our son Hanzel…Now Hanzel is starting school-they grow up so fast! Oh, Pickles just won pole dancer of the month!!! Hanzel’s off to College. What’s that Pickles, you want a divorce? Wahhhhhhhhh!!!! OMG!!! Hanzel was never my son? I HAVE NO SON!!!!! No way, Chasca is firing me? But we’re like the best selling band in Turkey? This can’t be happening! NOT LIKE THIS!!!! Not all in one post!!! WHY GOD, WHY!!!!!!!!!!